Confessions of an imperfect mother

Pride weekend presented me with my first episode of blogger's block. I had so much that I wanted to say but sadly, I was too concerned with my reader's perceptions to write openly and honestly. I find that blogging about motherhood and work is easy because hey, those things aren't at all controversial. But when it came to Pride and my gay connections and this whole other side of my life that few people know about, suddenly my tongue was tied.

I've been disappointed in myself ever since I posted the 2nd This and That edition. Because it was a total cop out. It was the generic, conservative and totally un-Lucy version of the facts. In my efforts to not offend any of my readers (and let's face it, aside from one coworker, my mother and a very kind southern stranger, I have no idea who you are), I ended up offending myself.

I am not at all embarrased or ashamed about who I am or any of the things that I have done in my life. These experiences have made me who I am today - and I like that person! But I think that a large part of me is still this acceptance-seeking teen from high school. I have this need for people to like me. Doesn't matter if I'm at a party or at work or with family, I'm constantly seeking the love of people around me. (Sounds pretty desparate and I pray that I don't come off that way, but that's what's going through my head.) I think that insecurity is filtering into my blog.

I had a great conversation about the blogophere with one of my coworkers, who also blogs. In her posts, she freely admits her hardships, racy past, and weaknesses and I envy her that confidence to put herself out there. I find myself glossing over events just to try and paint this picture that my life is perfect (like mother's day, when really my son was in a terrible mood and threw screaming, flailing tantrums nearly the whole day). I know that my life isn't perfect, that no one has a perfect life. So why do I try to portray this idylic fantasy? I think it goes back again to wanting people to like me. Maybe you'll find out that I can't bake a cake from scratch or that I'm germaphobic and slightly neurotic or that I sometimes lose my temper with my son and you'll decide you just don't like me any more. Somehow, that would bother me. Even if I don't really know you, to know that you disliked me would irk me to no end.

All this to say I'm turning over a new leaf. This blog was started with the intention that one day, my son could read it and know who his mother really was. Know how much I love him. Know a little bit more about his family and his childhood. But it wouldn't be a truthful biography if I only talk about the sweet things in life. I want Hayden to know I have faults and insecurities and that that is okay. From here on in, I vow to be truthful in my blogs and not worry about what my readers will think. I'll blog knowing that I am not a perfect person and that I really shouldn't pretend to be one. I'll talk about the more controversial parts of who I am and what I do because I'm proud of those parts of me and I'm tired of whitewashing them to please an audience who does not exist. This is who I am. Take it or leave it.

And to launch it - my first controversial confession: In college, Phil and I ran the gay support group for students together. That's how we met. And yes, I fit in just fine.

*cringe* (You have no idea the mental strength it's taking to hit "publish" on this one.)

This and that - Second edition

So far this morning, I've written three blogs that I know I'll never post. I just can't seem to get into my writing groove. I have a dump truck of things I want to talk about but can't get it all out in a sensical way. Maybe a bullety edition is called for:

• I love the gays. More specifically, I love my boy Phil and I love Pride. As Phil describes it, "Pride is like our Christmas!" and it's so true. The air of anticipation, the playful atmosphere and the prickles of excitement are like what you felt as a child on Christmas morning. Everyone is happy, hugs and given to complete strangers and for one day, there's a little peace on earth. But what really made Pride fun was spending it with Phil. That boy is truly my long-lost brother. I love ya Philly Dilly.
• Good gravy - those boys put Shakespeare to shame with their dramatics. But, like a good play, it's incredibly entertaining to watch!
• Leaving my son for 24 hours was harder than I thought. I've left Hayden for a few daytime hours and even overnight. But this was the first time that I was gone for a whole day. Every time I'd see a child around his age at Pride, I'd get a little pang. He really is my heartsong. Seeing his face light up when I pulled in the driveway was priceless.
• God bless my husband for understanding that I needed a "girl's night out" and taking care of Hayden. Not every husband would be cool with letting his wife hang out with a bunch of lesbians and sleep in another man's bed. But Adam gets it. I love ya baby!
• I'm really proud to see how Canada as a whole has accepted and embraced the gay culture. The parade had celebrities and politicians marching, the booths along Church were hosted by everyone from the military to the local police forces to Universities and even Crest!
• I hope that one day being gay holds as little stigma as being a woman. Society has come a long way since the 40's, but we still have a way to go. I can't wait for the day that people stop caring what colour, race, sexuality, gender or ability people encompass. And I really hope that it happens in my lifetime. I'll be teaching Hayden this lesson in the hopes of bringing us one step closer.

So to all of you in the blogosphere - Happy Pride. Spread a little love in celebration!