My family thinks I’m crazy and kidding myself. My friends think I’m brave. My doula and midwives think that I have the strength I need to get the job done. I think I’m going to push every limit of my mind and body in order to become a stronger woman and to experience something ancient and miraculous.
I’m planning to have a drug-free, natural childbirth.
I think it’s amazing how that one statement can elicit such wildly different reactions.
On one end of the spectrum are my mother and sister. They both openly mock my choice to try and go drug-free. Mum says she’s done it naturally and by c section and felt no affection or desire to repeat the former. My sister reminds me of how painful my last birth was and questions my ability and sanity in coping without readily available pain relief.
On the flip side sit my doula and my midwives. All give me quiet, unwavering confidence that if this is my choice, they have utmost confidence that I can achieve my goal. They have the skills and knowledge to guide me through the journey that centuries of women before me have travelled.
In the depths of my mind, I hear and validate both sides.
With Hayden, I coped quite well with contractions until the Pitocin was started and I was forced to lay flat on my back so that Hayden’s heart could be continually monitored. After the drugs took hold, I was consumed with the pain and ferocity of the contractions. So yes, I know how much labour can hurt. I laboured with those drug-fortified labour pains for six hours unmedicated. Then I begged for an epidural to release me from labour’s grip.
The liberal, granola part of my brain reminds me that this time will be different. This time I will have the unwavering support of my doula (a very good friend), two midwives, my mother and my husband. The experts among my support team know different positions and techniques to cope with the increasing pain. They know how to naturally encourage my body to work with the contractions to help the baby to descend. And they know how to guide those I love to provide comfort and encouragement when I need it.
I’ve been reading book after book on natural childbirth to prepare myself for what is to come. I am now confident that with my team and my newfound knowledge, I can do this. I’m still unsure of why I’ve chosen this path. It’s hard to describe, but it just feels like the right thing to do. What I was meant to do. That it will in some way heal me and make me stronger.
Testing myself and pushing my personal limits is something I’ve always done – from staying a straight A student in school to learning how to fly a glider to sleeping outside in an igloo in the dead of winter. But it’s been a long time since I’ve purposefully pushed my limits. I think perhaps this little bird is yearning to stretch her wings again. To look suffering and pain in the face and say I’m better than you! Wish me luck.
Showing posts with label natural birth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label natural birth. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Pregnancy log - final entry
From here on in, we're blogging in real time (and about more than pregnancy). This is the last entry in the private log I kept while on hiatus.
February 26, 2009
Little one, you have been making yourself quite comfortable in my tummy. For the better part of three weeks I was utterly miserable with nausea and food aversions. The Diclectin was my best friend and managed to take away enough of the nausea edge that I could function like a normal human. Just this week, my stomach woes seem to be lifting. I’m down to only one pill a day, though I still eat quite lightly at night. I’m now 10 weeks pregnant and have not yet gained a pound. I think with Hayden, at this point I’d gained about five. Although with Hayden, I felt pretty good the whole time I was pregnant!
Fatigue is my new companion. I drag myself out of bed at 6am every morning and struggle to stay awake until 8pm at night. My down time has been converted to sleep time and my alone time with Adam has dwindled to almost nothing. I’m looking forward to the second trimester when I will hopefully begin to feel more myself.
Over the past few days, my belly has popped out into an almost rounded shape. For the past four weeks, I looked like I’d just eaten one too many hamburgers. Having a distinct roundness to my growth is so comforting. It lets me know that this is all really true. I really am pregnant.
I’ve told all my coworkers and my boss. Annie was awesome and seemed almost as excited as I was. She asked dozens of questions about when you’re due and how old your brother will be. I really feel that she’s supportive of you and I. Word is now spreading around the building and I catch people’s eyes darting to my belly when they pass to monitor our growth!
Last night I woke up at 2am and could not fall asleep. I was suddenly struck with the reality that with a midwife, I’ve signed myself up to give birth without an epidural. While this is much better for you – apparently it gives me mild panic attacks. Knowing how painful labour was with Hayden, I’m just not confident that my body can do it without some pain relief. I’m hoping that perhaps since you’ve been harder on my body at the beginning, you’ll grace me with a relatively easy end! (A mama can hope.) I’ll have to talk to my midwife at our next appointment (next week) and try to make myself more confident that I can do it with their support.
I’ve been a bear lately. My hormones seem to be my master as I find myself getting angry and irritable on almost a daily basis. Everyone tells me that my mood, combined with my sickness means that you will be a girl. They almost have me convinced. I always thought that I’d have a house full of boys, but you’ve made this pregnancy so very different from your brother. Perhaps it’s your way of exerting your independence and showing me that regardless of your gender, you are not just a clone of your brother I guess I just have to wait another seven months to find out!
February 26, 2009
Little one, you have been making yourself quite comfortable in my tummy. For the better part of three weeks I was utterly miserable with nausea and food aversions. The Diclectin was my best friend and managed to take away enough of the nausea edge that I could function like a normal human. Just this week, my stomach woes seem to be lifting. I’m down to only one pill a day, though I still eat quite lightly at night. I’m now 10 weeks pregnant and have not yet gained a pound. I think with Hayden, at this point I’d gained about five. Although with Hayden, I felt pretty good the whole time I was pregnant!
Fatigue is my new companion. I drag myself out of bed at 6am every morning and struggle to stay awake until 8pm at night. My down time has been converted to sleep time and my alone time with Adam has dwindled to almost nothing. I’m looking forward to the second trimester when I will hopefully begin to feel more myself.
Over the past few days, my belly has popped out into an almost rounded shape. For the past four weeks, I looked like I’d just eaten one too many hamburgers. Having a distinct roundness to my growth is so comforting. It lets me know that this is all really true. I really am pregnant.
I’ve told all my coworkers and my boss. Annie was awesome and seemed almost as excited as I was. She asked dozens of questions about when you’re due and how old your brother will be. I really feel that she’s supportive of you and I. Word is now spreading around the building and I catch people’s eyes darting to my belly when they pass to monitor our growth!
Last night I woke up at 2am and could not fall asleep. I was suddenly struck with the reality that with a midwife, I’ve signed myself up to give birth without an epidural. While this is much better for you – apparently it gives me mild panic attacks. Knowing how painful labour was with Hayden, I’m just not confident that my body can do it without some pain relief. I’m hoping that perhaps since you’ve been harder on my body at the beginning, you’ll grace me with a relatively easy end! (A mama can hope.) I’ll have to talk to my midwife at our next appointment (next week) and try to make myself more confident that I can do it with their support.
I’ve been a bear lately. My hormones seem to be my master as I find myself getting angry and irritable on almost a daily basis. Everyone tells me that my mood, combined with my sickness means that you will be a girl. They almost have me convinced. I always thought that I’d have a house full of boys, but you’ve made this pregnancy so very different from your brother. Perhaps it’s your way of exerting your independence and showing me that regardless of your gender, you are not just a clone of your brother I guess I just have to wait another seven months to find out!
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