Reality bites

Today I'm home alone. My mum has graciously taken Hayden for the afternoon and overnight and Adam has gone golfing (trust me, he deserves the break). This leaves me with too much time on my hands. And I've been filling it by making myself cry uncontrollably.

As I explained in my last post, I'm someone who likes to know what I'm up against. And the latest in my premature birth research has been watching home videos of 28 week old preemies in the hospital. I only watch ones that have happy endings, but every single one brings me to great sobbing tears.

Watching these little miracles strengthens my resolve to be utterly strict on my bed rest. It also brings up feelings of guilt for putting myself in this situation by pushing my limits. I know that if I had a preemie baby, I would feel responsible for all of the tubes and wires and warmers that would keep my angel alive instead of the safety of my womb. I would beat myself up over any silly decisions I made leading up to this point - from not taking my prenatals daily to carrying around Hayden when he's more than capable of walking.

So, long story short I'm more determined than ever to keep this baby safely in my womb. No sneaking in showers, no unnecessary trips out, no trying to help Adam out. While the guilt of laying here and having someone else do everything weighs heavy on me, the guilt of pushing early labour along would be tenfold.