Turkey timer pops early

I'm starting to get freaked out. I'm a day shy of 14 weeks (three and a half months), and my bellybutton is already popping out!

I'm starting to think there isn't just one baby in there, but maybe a litter of them!!

The simple things in life

Me: Isn't the sky beautiful this morning buddy? (refrerring to the pink blush that spread across the horizon as we arrived at school)

Hayden: Pitty mummy, vewy pitty. Makes the birdies happy.

Me: You're right - the birdies are singing away. They must like the pretty sky too.

Hayden: Makes mummy happy too?

Me: Yes buddy, you know, it does make mummy happy.

Hayden: Pitty sky make mummy and birdies happy. Dat makes me happy. Tank you sun.

Calling him home

Last night I found out that Adam’s paternal grandfather has terminal cancer.

He was admitted to hospital late last week because of a distended stomach and other complications. Last night, the doctor and surgeons confirmed to the family that the stomach distension is a result of a large cancerous tumour which has masticised into surrounding organs. Surgery is not an option given the size and location of the cancer. Grampa has voluntarily refused any chemo or radiation, preferring to live out his days in relative comfort at home.

I feel numb right now; sitting at work when my head and heart are elsewhere.

Last night was emotional, shattering, as my husband digested the news that he was losing his grandfather. That family is so close, so involved in each other’s lives, that the thought of losing such a prominent link in the chain has left them all shell-shocked and heartbroken.

I was torn between trying to be strong for Adam, and mourning the news myself. Having lost all of my natural grandparents, I’ve adopted Adam’s four grandparents as my own. I’ve spent nearly ten years celebrating birthdays and holidays with them, sharing meals and praying together.

Through all of this, Grampa stands firm in his role as the rock. He’s told everyone that he’s a tough old goat and not to count him out just yet. At the same time, he’s made peace with his diagnosis and is looking forward to going home to heaven and his maker. He’s still laughing and joking, not letting a little news about terminal cancer bring him down. We could all learn something from his attitude and strength in the face of adversity. I love and admire this man all the more for his amazing character and how he’s comforting his family during his hour of need.

Grampa, we may not be family by birth, but we are family through love, through choice. I love you as I did my own grandparents. I see the gifts you have given your family in the values and beliefs they hold dear, in the large family that joins together now to honour and support one of their own. Your legacy will live on through us and through our love. I hope that you know how deeply you’ve touched all of our lives and how blessed we feel to be able to spend some time telling you all of these things before you’re called home. God bless you Grampa. We love you so much.

Love from near and far

It's funny how time marches on without you realizing it.

Today, my little man is going on his first ever sleep-over without mum or dad there. Yup, he's nearly two and a half and he's never spent the night anywhere without his parents. I don't know if it's circumstance, my over-protective nature or maybe a combination of both. But tonight he will have his first sleep-over party with my in-laws. They've filled his mind with thoughts of playing soccer, going to the park, feeding the ducks and watching a new movie. He was giddy all day with anticipation.

As we waved him off not an hour ago, I was so conflicted. Part of me wanted to jump for joy to have a whole night and morning to myself. The other half of me wanted to sob that my little man is getting so big. Such an independent little man that he waved back to us from the car with a smile on his face and adventure in his eyes. He is no longer the unsure, clingy little boy that he used to be. That solitary moment just smacked home how much he's grown in the past year.

At the same time, the little life inside of me continues to grow every day too. Just yesterday I felt the first little flutters and tickles of life. That feeling makes the pregnancy so real and so miraculous. Feeling a baby move inside of you reaffirms the reality that you house a life that is simultaneously independent and completely dependent.

And so as one of my heartsongs sings his tune from afar tonight, the other has begun to sing from within. A symphony of love.

Pregnancy log - final entry

From here on in, we're blogging in real time (and about more than pregnancy). This is the last entry in the private log I kept while on hiatus.

February 26, 2009
Little one, you have been making yourself quite comfortable in my tummy. For the better part of three weeks I was utterly miserable with nausea and food aversions. The Diclectin was my best friend and managed to take away enough of the nausea edge that I could function like a normal human. Just this week, my stomach woes seem to be lifting. I’m down to only one pill a day, though I still eat quite lightly at night. I’m now 10 weeks pregnant and have not yet gained a pound. I think with Hayden, at this point I’d gained about five. Although with Hayden, I felt pretty good the whole time I was pregnant!

Fatigue is my new companion. I drag myself out of bed at 6am every morning and struggle to stay awake until 8pm at night. My down time has been converted to sleep time and my alone time with Adam has dwindled to almost nothing. I’m looking forward to the second trimester when I will hopefully begin to feel more myself.

Over the past few days, my belly has popped out into an almost rounded shape. For the past four weeks, I looked like I’d just eaten one too many hamburgers. Having a distinct roundness to my growth is so comforting. It lets me know that this is all really true. I really am pregnant.

I’ve told all my coworkers and my boss. Annie was awesome and seemed almost as excited as I was. She asked dozens of questions about when you’re due and how old your brother will be. I really feel that she’s supportive of you and I. Word is now spreading around the building and I catch people’s eyes darting to my belly when they pass to monitor our growth!

Last night I woke up at 2am and could not fall asleep. I was suddenly struck with the reality that with a midwife, I’ve signed myself up to give birth without an epidural. While this is much better for you – apparently it gives me mild panic attacks. Knowing how painful labour was with Hayden, I’m just not confident that my body can do it without some pain relief. I’m hoping that perhaps since you’ve been harder on my body at the beginning, you’ll grace me with a relatively easy end! (A mama can hope.) I’ll have to talk to my midwife at our next appointment (next week) and try to make myself more confident that I can do it with their support.

I’ve been a bear lately. My hormones seem to be my master as I find myself getting angry and irritable on almost a daily basis. Everyone tells me that my mood, combined with my sickness means that you will be a girl. They almost have me convinced. I always thought that I’d have a house full of boys, but you’ve made this pregnancy so very different from your brother. Perhaps it’s your way of exerting your independence and showing me that regardless of your gender, you are not just a clone of your brother I guess I just have to wait another seven months to find out!

Pregnancy log - part three

And the bliss turns to bleh...

February 9, 2009
And so it begins…up until this weekend, I’ve had nausea, but it’s been manageable. I felt crappy but was still able to do what I needed to do in a day. This Saturday, I was hit with a whole new level of nausea. I felt like any movement, morsel of food, or even thought of eating could send me over the edge. I spent most of Saturday in bed, nibbling on toast. Sunday I felt slightly more human, but still really horrible. Today I again feel like I’m on the edge. I’m sitting at my desk just thinking about how awful I feel.

My lovely sister gave me two Diclectin at about 9 this morning. She recognized that haunted nausea look that she herself wore for weeks on end. My stomach is gradually settling and I’m feeling a little sleepy so I think it’s starting to work.

I may just ask the midwives if they can write me up a prescription for the truly awful days. MotherRisk confirms that there are no risks associated with taking it (it’s really just vitamin B6 and an antihistamine in a slow-release pill) and it has been prescribed for over 30 years without incident. Although I hate taking anything while pregnant, I still have to be a good mother to Hayden. And I can’t do that if I can’t get myself off the couch.

Soon enough this will all be behind me and I’ll have a gorgeous little life in my arms to show for the misery. I can’t wait.

Pregnancy log - part two

The preggo saga continues...

February 4, 2009
I went to my first midwives appointment today and I love them! The atmosphere is very serene. I never felt rushed or overlooked and they took the time to get to know me, not just my anatomy. The whole appointment was about an hour and Iwana answered every question I had competently and with a smile. I have a feeling that I’m going to be much more satisfied with the level of care here.

We talked about a home birth and although the germ factor is much less than in a hospital, I still think I’d prefer to have surgeons on hand in case something went wrong. And I REALLY don’t want to go to Cambridge hospital if something went wrong while delivering at home.

So far so good!

The pregnancy log - first entry

As promised, here is the first entry of my pregnancy log that I've been keeping while on hiatus. It's kind of funny to look back on this and realize that over a month has passed already!

February 2, 2009
Well, my optimism and niggles were wrong back in December. If there was a little life in me, it didn’t survive the four week mark. My cycle came a few days late and with a few tears.

We’ve never had to try to have a baby before. With Hayden, it just happened. Having to wait has made me want this baby all the more. It also made me more compassionate and empathetic for those couples who have to try for months and years to make their baby dreams come true.

With renewed ambition, we upped our baby making efforts after Christmas. Without charting and temping, it was the only way to know we’d catch that egg at the right time. I anxiously waited for the days I could test. I think I started with the dollar store sticks around 10 days past ovulation (DPO). Every day I would wake and test and stare at the stick, just willing a second line to appear.

As the day of my anticipated cycle end drew closer, I became less and less optimistic about our chances. I had NO symptoms, no feelings or niggles, and I just felt sure that we hadn’t been successful because of a three day abstinence during my most fertile time.

On January 15, at about 14 DPO, I got a very faint second line – almost a shadow. I posted it on my pregnancy support forum for the girls to analyze and they were split 50/50 on whether it was an evaporation line or a real positive.

On January 16, I tested again with the dollar store test and got a slightly darker response – enough to get excited about. I headed to the pharmacy at lunch and bought a First Response test for a more concrete answer. With two sticks to play with, I took one only an hour after my last pee in the middle of the day. Even then, the second line was bright and unmistakable – I was pregnant!

I’m now 6 weeks along. Adam and I went to a midwife information session on January 28 and I have my first appointment with them on February 4. I’m excited to be going a more natural route – the route I wanted to go with Hayden but got talked out of (by a well meaning sister-in-law). I’ll still be delivering in hospital, but I’ll have more support to get me through the rough contractions and maybe even go drug free (a girl can dream!).

I’ve been having a lot of nausea since the middle of last week. It comes and goes and I’ve been dealing naturally with small meals, ginger tea and gingerale. Seems to be working okay so far.

Hayden has been wonderful through my queaziness. He’s been quite gentle and has been coming to me to read more books and have quiet time. He’s also spending more time with Daddy for the rough play. I think it’s good for both of them!

Amazingly, quite a few people know already. I had to show my sister as she was the one who was giving me hope in a month when I had none. For Adam, I made a special invoice, photoshopping one of his work delivery orders to contract the delivery of a baby instead of a machine. It was perfectly done (if I do say so myself) and he was completely confused when he opened it. Once he figured it out, he was almost as flabbergasted as I was. I sent mum an email with a photo of the positive stick just before they left for their vacation in Mexico. A nice little going away gift! She was ecstatic!

We still haven’t told any of Adam’s immediate family. With their history of sharing the good news as soon as they hear it, we want to wait until after we’re out of the danger zone. We’ll probably tell them sometime after 8 weeks has passed. Otherwise this constant “flu” will soon alert them!

And so, here I am: Six weeks pregnant and sort of in disbelief. We haven’t talked to Hayden about it as toddlers are sure to repeat everything you don’t want them to say. I still remember Gage telling all the teachers at school that his mummy had a baby in her tummy when Ang was only six weeks along.

I’m so excited that my sister and I will share some of our mat leave again. And have babies almost the exact same age difference as Hayden and Gage were! Hopefully these next angels will have their same close relationship too.

I have a feeling that this is another little boy. Not sure why, just a gut reaction. Somehow, I think that I’ll have a house full of boys. Though I predict a girl for Ang (did last time too, so we know how accurate my guesses are)!

I’m already wearing maternity pants, though it’s more from the bloat and sensitive stomach than any true belly growth.

I’ll keep you posted as things develop. Sticky, healthy baby vibes!

I have a secret

And I'm guessing that any of you who have been patient enough to wait out my hiatus will peel from the shadows when I tell you what it is.

I'm pregnant!

Just typing those words makes me giddy and fluttery and nervous and blissful all at once. We are going to have a second child. Hayden will be a big brother! Our family grows one step closer to being complete. The reasons it sends me to heaven and back are endless!

I'm just shy of 11 weeks right now. That's right, the hiatus was actually me finding it impossible to blog about anything other than a big + sign and a tiny miracle inside of me! Rather than try and work around the elephant in the womb (ha!), I decided to take a break until I was ready to share! I've actually been keeping a blog of the past three months in a word file.

In the coming weeks, I'll share a few entries I like until we're caught up. Be prepared to hear a lot about this new life and how it's affecting my world. As with Hayden, I find pregnancy to be an all encompassing experience. Much of my conscious and unfocused thoughts drift to this baby; what progress is being made, how this baby will change our family dynamics, how different the birth will be with midwives instead of an OB.

For any of you who have been hanging on, waiting for another a post - I thank you dearly for your patience. I think I'll reward you by renaming the blog to something simpler. Something that I've been using as my moniker for a while and that just makes sense as an actual blog title: Word mama.

A day of bliss to each of you!