Friday, August 22, 2008

Barefoot dreaming

I seem to be numb to the idea of a career these days. My time with stay-at-home-mum friends has made me resent sitting in an office for most of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that I have a very supportive, challenging, well-paying job with great benefits. It's just that I don't really want it. I'd rather be scraping by and having to sew my own clothes and grow my own food than be able to afford the latest technology and frivolous items.

I have a new manager here. She's a firecracker this one. She's only been here for a few months and already she's lit a fire under the whole department. We're leading major projects, overhauling procedures and analyzing our motives while we complete our regular tasks. It's one of those strange paradoxes where the work simultaneously motivates and drains me. I'm a high achiever by nature, so I like a good challenge. But I feel like my heart isn't truly in it. My heart sits at home, waiting for me to return.

Lately, questions on whether we're going to expand our family have been circling around. I've told my husband and anyone who's asked that I simply don't want to have any more kids unless I can stay home with them. Being a full-time working mum is a freaking hard job! And I find the more time I spend away from my heartsong, the more resentful I become that I can't do what I feel like I was meant to do - be a full time mama. I come home and scour the internet looking for business ideas and ways that I could supplement our income enough that I could give up work and still pay the bills. Meanwhile, Adam is working his tail off as he builds his company. He's hoping that if all goes well and the stars and planets align, by next year we could be a one income family. Just the remote promise of it makes me itch for the day.

I find so much pleasure in the little things at home: Cuddling with Hayden on the couch and reading his favourite books; Putting sheets on the bed that are fresh and crisp from the wind and sun; Picking fresh veggies from our yard with Hayden (his specialties are unripe beans and tomatoes with the juices sucked out); Having a tidy house and dinner simmering when Adam gets home from work - all of these things make me feel so whole. I want to feel that every hour of every day! I'm a total throwback to the women's movement. I would like nothing better than to be barefoot and pregnant and watching over the homestead. I should have been born in the 50's...


cinnamon gurl said...

To me, the important thing about the women's movement is choice, not an obligation to

cinnamon gurl said...

oops - i hit enter before I finished. As I was saying...

Not an obligation to have a career. Sounds like you know what you want to do, now you just have to find a way to make it happen.

I thought I really wanted to stay home, and it was just fear keeping me tied to a regular paycheque. But then a light went on and I realized that I actually enjoy my job a lot and four days a week really suits me - gives me the chance to slow down and spend extra time with the little one.

Nick and Ce said...

I agree .. its about choices. We took a major hit financially when we dropped to one income for several years while we made and reared babies. It is amazing how you can live on a lot less if you have to; especially when there's a really good reason. You can buy all the goodies an gizmos later in life!!!

Amy said...

Hey Lucy - I agree with cinnamon, what about working part time? I'm really enjoying working 3 days a week and being home for 4. Or you could ask about working from home 1 or 2 days a week and getting that done while Haydon naps or sleeps.


The W.O.W. factor said...

Hi WordMama~My heart goes out to you. I was born in the 50's & would have preferred it the 1850's!
It is a huge sacrifice you are wanting...just be sure you really are willing!
Nic & Ce said "It is amazing how you can live on a lot less if you have to; especially when there's a really good reason. You can buy all the goodies an gizmos later in life!!!
The first part of that statement IS true. One CAN live on less, a lot less!

The second part? I have to laugh here.....Heck, we can't buy any "luxury things"! Never have.
(Thankfully, Adam is not a Cowboy! Not the wandering kind my hubbby is. Some Cowboys are BORN into a family with all that goes along with the profession...and they have "things", & a life that we haven't been blessed with.)
Just follow your heart! You & Adam will make the right choice for your family.
You know, I've been trying to get caught up on reading blogs...this time of year, it must be the moon & stars are you are about the 4th one I've read( out of 8 so far) that are having reality checks going on! Me too, but I haven't finished typing my post yet!
Have a great week. I will be thinking of you!

wordmama said...

Thanks all! Funny how I never even thought of the possibility of working part time or from home. Wonder if my work would go for it? They do stress a strong belief in the work/life balance, but will they walk the talk. Time to do some quiet investigating! Once again my blog family comes through - thanks to each of you!

Nick and Ce said...

"They do stress a strong belief in the work/life balance, but will they walk the talk?"

My organistion didn't have a flexible working practices policy locally, so together with one great colleague, we successfully pitched to create one! There are loads of benefits for employees and the organistion, if you get the balance right. It has to be a win:win though.