9 days to D Day!

Wow, September 16. Never thought I'd see a September birth date, let alone one in the late half of the month! Apparently I was so good at bed rest that I've managed to convince this belly bean to stay put for the long haul! I'm now almost 39 weeks. I've never been this pregnant before. (Hayden was born at 37 weeks!) Things are going well: I'm feeling good, baby is growing (though still measuring small), and for the most part baby stays head down now.

I find myself really appreciating and craving my time with Hayden now. Knowing that soon a little life will be demanding and dictating our lives, I feel that my one-on-one time with Hayden is even more precious. He seems to sense that a change is coming too and has been an absolute delight lately (aside from our nightly dinner battle). He makes me laugh constantly and has been spending extra time wrapped in my arms.

My realization that I won't be able to spoil my boy with undivided attention has resulted in a weird side effect. Nearly every night I have a vivid dream where I lose Hayden, he gets really hurt or we're in a really dangerous situation. I guess my unconscious mind is struggling to comprehend how I'll keep an eye on my mini-kamikaze with an infant. I'm sure the first few weeks and months will be a struggle, but we'll figure it out.

Hopefully any day now I'll be posting to tell you all about my delivery and the new little life we welcomed into the world! Wish us luck on the final leg of this pregnancy journey! And think smooth and fast labour thoughts for me!

Barefoot dreaming

I seem to be numb to the idea of a career these days. My time with stay-at-home-mum friends has made me resent sitting in an office for most of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that I have a very supportive, challenging, well-paying job with great benefits. It's just that I don't really want it. I'd rather be scraping by and having to sew my own clothes and grow my own food than be able to afford the latest technology and frivolous items.

I have a new manager here. She's a firecracker this one. She's only been here for a few months and already she's lit a fire under the whole department. We're leading major projects, overhauling procedures and analyzing our motives while we complete our regular tasks. It's one of those strange paradoxes where the work simultaneously motivates and drains me. I'm a high achiever by nature, so I like a good challenge. But I feel like my heart isn't truly in it. My heart sits at home, waiting for me to return.

Lately, questions on whether we're going to expand our family have been circling around. I've told my husband and anyone who's asked that I simply don't want to have any more kids unless I can stay home with them. Being a full-time working mum is a freaking hard job! And I find the more time I spend away from my heartsong, the more resentful I become that I can't do what I feel like I was meant to do - be a full time mama. I come home and scour the internet looking for business ideas and ways that I could supplement our income enough that I could give up work and still pay the bills. Meanwhile, Adam is working his tail off as he builds his company. He's hoping that if all goes well and the stars and planets align, by next year we could be a one income family. Just the remote promise of it makes me itch for the day.

I find so much pleasure in the little things at home: Cuddling with Hayden on the couch and reading his favourite books; Putting sheets on the bed that are fresh and crisp from the wind and sun; Picking fresh veggies from our yard with Hayden (his specialties are unripe beans and tomatoes with the juices sucked out); Having a tidy house and dinner simmering when Adam gets home from work - all of these things make me feel so whole. I want to feel that every hour of every day! I'm a total throwback to the women's movement. I would like nothing better than to be barefoot and pregnant and watching over the homestead. I should have been born in the 50's...