The learning curve of motherhood

They say that becoming a parent involves a pretty steep learning curve. They weren't kidding. One minute you're basking in the glow of pregnancy and then *BAM* they send you home from the hospital with a tiny being who relies on you for EVERYTHING!

My learning curve with Hayden was particularly harrowing. I looked at other babies, sleeping peacefully in their cribs or cooing playfully with strangers, and wondered what I was doing wrong. I did most of my parenting by following Hayden's cues:
He refused to sleep alone, so we co-slept.
He screamed whenever I put him down so I didn't. We began baby wearing with a sling all day.
He was overwhelmed with crowds and noise so we often stayed home.

A lot of people questioned those decisions. Heck, I questioned myself plenty of times. I often wondered if it was my parenting that made Hayden such a needy baby. Was it nature or nurture? I was never quite sure...until I had Felicity.

The difference between my children is night and day. Where Hayden found the world overwhelming and frightening in infancy, Felicity finds only magic and mystery. Where Hayden needed me to feel safe and secure, Felicity has found inner-peace and the confidence to explore her surroundings.

Fliss is now three months old and sleeps on her own in an Amby bed all night long. If she wakes up, she just finds her fingers and quietly soothes herself back to slumber. During the day, she will quite happily lay on her change table or on a blanket on the floor and amuse herself with the things she sees and touches.

With my daughter so self sufficient, I often find myself feeling redundant. I had resigned myself to a repeat of Hayden's first year. Being needed, wanted 24/7. Instead I find myself with free time. With a child who smiles and laughs more than she fusses.

Just when I thought I had this parenting thing figured out, I've had to completely adjust my style. I now have to check myself to avoid smothering her inquisitive nature or her independence by treating her as I would her brother.

By the time Hayden was ready to face the world, he was walking and talking. I have a feeling this little adventurer will be a whole different challenge.

The learning curve has begun all over again. I can't wait.

Love is a funny thing

I have an admission that fills me with guilt and shame as a mother: When my daughter was born, I didn't fall instantly in love.

All through my pregnancy, people told me "you wonder how you'll ever love another child as much as your first but the moment they're born - you will!" So when Felicity was born, after weeks on bed rest, a stalled all-natural labour and then an emergency c-section, I was sure that when I laid eyes on her, I'd adore her the same way I do Hayden. But I didn't.

I loved her. She's my child and was very much wanted, of course I loved her. But I didn't feel IN LOVE with her the way I do with Hayden. And that fact ate me up inside. It made me feel like a completely unfit mother. How could I not love her as much as my first born? What kind of monster was I? I racked my brain for the reason behind it; Was it the difficult pregnancy? The complete change from my natural birth plan? Because she was a girl? Because of her near-death experience in her first week? Had I nearly lost her so many times that I'd closed off my heart a little? None of these reasons seemed to suffice for such an awful truth.

As the weeks passed, I tortured myself with this unspoken failure as a mother. Eventually, in a sobbing mess, I admitted it to my husband. The sweet man he is, he consoled me and revealed that he had felt the same thing when Hayden was born. He mused that it was probably more common than I thought and as time went on, I would develop that love (just as he obviously has for Hayden). I nodded and sniffled and in my head just kept repeating Monster! Monster! Horrible Mother! Boo! you don't deserve this awesome baby!

Then one day, about three weeks ago, she smiled at me. She heard my voice, turned her head and smiled. And somewhere in my heart, a dam burst and the love just flooded over me. This was my baby girl. My daughter. My little clone who not only looked like me, but also had my mellow personality. She was mine and I adored her. The relief was so great that I actually cried. I wasn't a failure after all, just a slow learner.

Looking back, I can see that I set myself up for a tough start. I expected to love her for who she was without having known her. My love for Hayden has grown and changed over the years and I now love him for the little person he is. I somehow thought I would inherit this deeper love for Felicity from birth, which I now know is impossible. Children imprint themselves on your heart in a million different ways. Their first smile, first laugh, their amazement of tree canopies and snow flakes, their inquisitiveness and unguarded affection...all the frivolity and tenderness of childhood create layers of love in your heart.

As Felicity and I spend more time together, she continues to build on the love I have for her. I'm now looking forward to learning just who she is and who she will be. I'm eager to build our relationship and make our love even stronger. I know that I love her just as I love Hayden.

I look back now, at two months, and wonder what I ever worried about!

9 days to D Day!

Wow, September 16. Never thought I'd see a September birth date, let alone one in the late half of the month! Apparently I was so good at bed rest that I've managed to convince this belly bean to stay put for the long haul! I'm now almost 39 weeks. I've never been this pregnant before. (Hayden was born at 37 weeks!) Things are going well: I'm feeling good, baby is growing (though still measuring small), and for the most part baby stays head down now.

I find myself really appreciating and craving my time with Hayden now. Knowing that soon a little life will be demanding and dictating our lives, I feel that my one-on-one time with Hayden is even more precious. He seems to sense that a change is coming too and has been an absolute delight lately (aside from our nightly dinner battle). He makes me laugh constantly and has been spending extra time wrapped in my arms.

My realization that I won't be able to spoil my boy with undivided attention has resulted in a weird side effect. Nearly every night I have a vivid dream where I lose Hayden, he gets really hurt or we're in a really dangerous situation. I guess my unconscious mind is struggling to comprehend how I'll keep an eye on my mini-kamikaze with an infant. I'm sure the first few weeks and months will be a struggle, but we'll figure it out.

Hopefully any day now I'll be posting to tell you all about my delivery and the new little life we welcomed into the world! Wish us luck on the final leg of this pregnancy journey! And think smooth and fast labour thoughts for me!

Haydenisms

This past week has been filled with wonderful Haydenisms!

On Wednesday, I had my hair done, bringing back my curls for the first time since Hayden was just a wee baby. When I picked up Hayden up from school that afternoon, he looked at me all wide-eyed, pointed to my hair, and said "Pitty hair mummy."
Then burst into tears and threw himself to the ground crying "I don't like your pitty hair!"

Over the weekend, we camped out at my parent’s house while Adam enjoyed his birthday weekend in Ottawa. The stage was set for his honest observations.

Hayden: Poppa, I have a baby in my tummy. A wittle baby.
Poppa: Oh really? What does mummy have in her tummy?
Hayden: Mummy has a wittle baby too.
Then he cocked his head to the side and looked at my dad thoughtfully.
Hayden: Poppa – you have a big baby in your tummy!

Gran: I’m going to go and get washed up now.
Hayden (looking at me): Gran’s dirty?
Me (laughing): Yup buddy, Gran needs to go and get washed and dressed.
Hayden follows Gran into the washroom and lifts her nightshirt.
Hayden: Get naked now Gran. Take your clothes off.

Gran: Come and give me a hug Hayden. Poppa and I will be gone when you get up from your nap.
Hayden: Sowwy Gran, I too busy.

Me: Okay buddy, time to close your eyes and go to sleep.
Hayden (with a pout): You sleeping upstaiws mummy?
Me: No baby, I’m going to sleep in this bed with you.
Hayden: Weally? I like that.

You just can’t help but love him….