Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Confessions of an imperfect mother

Pride weekend presented me with my first episode of blogger's block. I had so much that I wanted to say but sadly, I was too concerned with my reader's perceptions to write openly and honestly. I find that blogging about motherhood and work is easy because hey, those things aren't at all controversial. But when it came to Pride and my gay connections and this whole other side of my life that few people know about, suddenly my tongue was tied.

I've been disappointed in myself ever since I posted the 2nd This and That edition. Because it was a total cop out. It was the generic, conservative and totally un-Lucy version of the facts. In my efforts to not offend any of my readers (and let's face it, aside from one coworker, my mother and a very kind southern stranger, I have no idea who you are), I ended up offending myself.

I am not at all embarrased or ashamed about who I am or any of the things that I have done in my life. These experiences have made me who I am today - and I like that person! But I think that a large part of me is still this acceptance-seeking teen from high school. I have this need for people to like me. Doesn't matter if I'm at a party or at work or with family, I'm constantly seeking the love of people around me. (Sounds pretty desparate and I pray that I don't come off that way, but that's what's going through my head.) I think that insecurity is filtering into my blog.

I had a great conversation about the blogophere with one of my coworkers, who also blogs. In her posts, she freely admits her hardships, racy past, and weaknesses and I envy her that confidence to put herself out there. I find myself glossing over events just to try and paint this picture that my life is perfect (like mother's day, when really my son was in a terrible mood and threw screaming, flailing tantrums nearly the whole day). I know that my life isn't perfect, that no one has a perfect life. So why do I try to portray this idylic fantasy? I think it goes back again to wanting people to like me. Maybe you'll find out that I can't bake a cake from scratch or that I'm germaphobic and slightly neurotic or that I sometimes lose my temper with my son and you'll decide you just don't like me any more. Somehow, that would bother me. Even if I don't really know you, to know that you disliked me would irk me to no end.

All this to say I'm turning over a new leaf. This blog was started with the intention that one day, my son could read it and know who his mother really was. Know how much I love him. Know a little bit more about his family and his childhood. But it wouldn't be a truthful biography if I only talk about the sweet things in life. I want Hayden to know I have faults and insecurities and that that is okay. From here on in, I vow to be truthful in my blogs and not worry about what my readers will think. I'll blog knowing that I am not a perfect person and that I really shouldn't pretend to be one. I'll talk about the more controversial parts of who I am and what I do because I'm proud of those parts of me and I'm tired of whitewashing them to please an audience who does not exist. This is who I am. Take it or leave it.

And to launch it - my first controversial confession: In college, Phil and I ran the gay support group for students together. That's how we met. And yes, I fit in just fine.

*cringe* (You have no idea the mental strength it's taking to hit "publish" on this one.)

5 comments:

The W.O.W. factor said...

Oh Wordmoma~you can't worry about other people's ideals or perceptions! Just be strong in your own, be true to yourself! I agree that keeping things honest with your son will pay off ten fold as he grows up! And you are right....there is not ONE perfect person out there in this whole vast universe! But, from what I've read from you, today & in the previous....you ARE a wonderful Mom! You've got a good foundation for your family to grow on!
Keep it up! Be proud of who you are!
I'll throw my name in...so you know who is talking!
Have great week!
Barb

wordmama said...

Thank you so much Barb! You made my day by being the first person to reply and having such positive words.

Anonymous said...

Hey little sis....I wouldn't worry either...to each his own I say and just live your life to make yourself happy, cause no one can do it for you and the people in your life who really care will always love you no matter what....we are human and I love ya!

Anonymous said...

Lucy - I've been following your blog for a while and thinking it sounded a bit cliche... yes hayden is your heartsong and yes life is good but nobody's life is perfect day in and day out!! congrats on coming coming clean and sharing the true you.

wordmama said...

Thanks to both Anon commenters. I'm feeling a bit like a dam busting with real-life posts now. You may find me going overboard and becoming completely self-depreciating, so bear with me while I find my level ground! And hey, thanks for reading!